8/22/23: Things are growing

It has been over a year now since I first published this website. At the time, I had a lot of plans for it, but I've since implemented almost none of them! To be honest, I've just been both busy and really struggling for most of this year. I'm trying to make peace with the idea that this is going to be a very, very slow project. And that's okay, right? Here, I'm my own boss, and I don't have to give myself deadlines.

I spent most of this summer stagnating and depressed and kinda freaking out about it. I've been feeling a lot of shame and helplessness. I am trying to close that chapter, but it feels like there's nowhere in front of me to go.

A few days ago, though, a few people I don't see often sought me out to show me some kindness; to reassure me that I have their support, even in ways that feel embarrassing to ask for; to tell me that these things are really hard, even if people like to pretend that they aren't, and it's understandable that I'm having trouble. All this sounds obvious, but it really didn't hit home for me until it came from people who were really not just giving me platitudes.

So I'm trying to reach out, and trying to change my life, and trying to grow. I want it so badly. I hope autumn can bring me that.

When I moved in June, things ended up being a bit rushed and insane at the last minute, and I ended up having to leave behind my two small potted succulents. I'm really not a "plant person" and don't know that much about gardening or anything, but I liked having them, and they'd survived a couple years. I was bummed about it.

With this in mind, my dad returned from a wedding the other day carrying a table centerpiece made of succulents, handed them to me umprompted, and said "these are yours."

I definitely should have at least googled what to do about it, but in the moment that didn't occur to me. I just kinda shrugged and went to repot them.

There were 10 individual plants in the arrangement. I scraped together every pot I could find in the house and still didn't have enough, so I ended up combining some of them. I only threw away one. In hindsight, I shouldnt have bothered with the hanging plant, because I have no method or intention of hanging it, but it's already in the pot, so in the pot it shall stay.

I imagine that they're all pretty stressed out, and my house is not the ideal place to grow succulents (not much sun inside), so I figure keeping all of them is my best bet at ending up with at least one or two survivors. I potted them with some cactus/succulent soil mix we already had lying around, put them in the shade for a couple days, and then set them up in the sunniest room in the house. I'm working on giving them all names. From here, we shall see.

Speaking of gardening, everyone who grows food is absolutely flush in zucchini right now, so we've been receiving donations. I'm not usually crazy about it but I like to shred it and then cook it down until it's jammy, a method I've adapted slightly from smitten kitchen. Last night I threw together some zucchini/lime quesadillas and they are my new favorite thing. I honestly would make these all the time if it wasn't so hard to get my family to eat them.

Hope you are all eating well.

Song on repeat: Yoga - the Mountain Goats